The No Testicle Tour

Finally, having been thwarted in my previous attempts to get my giant pink fluffy testicle into a test match, I succeeded, but not without a story to tell.

With the first test match ending prematurely, my ticket for Lords on my 57th birthday was useless, unless, of course, you count the bonus of a 50% discount for the rather  meaningless 20/20 warm-up games in early June.

I arrived in Durham, after a 250 mile drive, intending to see one day of the game. The forecast was not very good, but I’d decided I would seize the moment when it presented itself.

When I arrived late on Thursday the sun was shining, so I scouted the area and took a few photos.

I intended to go to the second day’s play on Friday, as the forecast promised a reasonably sunny day, but, overnight, the forecast was changed and the day’s play was washed out completely! The forecast for the weekend was for rain, which would scupper me completely, as I have to be in Slough on Monday.

I woke on Saturday morning early and saw nothing but fog. Scanning the forecast I saw rain, rain, rain for the next two days. It was unlikely there would be any play I concluded, but, in order to get the word out and cheer up the incoming crowd, I decided to go and walk around the outside of the stadium.

I arrived at about 8:30 and had a chat with the security people to confirm my suspicions, that I would not be allowed to take my giant pink fluffy testicle into the ground, even if a miracle happened and there was play. Herein harboured my greatest fear. My crazy plan hinged on me being allowed to take this rididulous caricature of a testicle into a major public sporting event, where safety and propriety are paramount. I knew the odds were against me.

Having been redirected from Gate 4, a kind supervisor on Gate 2 ,took up the cudgel on my behalf and sought advice from “higher up”.  It was taking some time for anyone to appear and a chair appeared, courtesy of the aforementioned supervisor for me to sit on and wait.

As I waited by the gate, I took the opportunity of asking the cop on duty if he minded me taking a shot.

After a while a nice lady turned up and, having looked me over, decided to call “Delta 2″ to see what he would say. He had overall say, it appeared.

The call didn’t last long and I was told I could not go into the ground. “It’s ok,” I shrugged, “I can do what I need to do out here.” With that, I left gate two and headed for the players’ entrance, where I managed to catch Alaistair Cook’s eye as he came in, causing a smile and a wave.

TV cameras appeared to film the gates being opened and closed. The gate guys were kind enough to ask for me to be seen in the background, so I may have made it to TV, I don’t know, but I suspect I was out of shot.

Having seen a few players go in, including the West Indies bus, I began my tour of the ground perimeter. It wasn’t long before I was getting smiles and comments.

At the other end of my walk, was a school, with a mixed group of kids in their early teens, waiting for a bus to take them off somewhere. As I walked past I heard laughing and a young male voice saying incredulously, ” a testicle?”.  Thus the opportunity arose for a few words about the importance of self examination with teens at the right age.

I was on my third lap, when a voice called me as I passed Gate 2. It was one of the staff, who I’d chatted to, telling me there may be a chance I’d get in.

As I waited to see what was going on, a very pretty lady came towards me and asked me what I was doing. When I told her I was trying to create Cancer awareness, she began to tell me her story.

Her husband has just begun a clinical trial, as all other treatments for his Colon Cancer has failed. Clearly emotional, she bewailed the fact she cannot find anyone to understand how she, the carer, was faring, in the face of extraordinary difficulty. She has a five year old son who is likely to be without a father soon. She works, looks after her son and also tends to her husband as best she can. But, she feels helpless. Suddenly, the clouds parted and watery sun penetrated the morning gloom. We talked on.

As we talked, a man, obviously in authority appeared, equally obviously wanting to speak with me. He waited patiently as I talked with the lady, who finally realised and gave him the entry.

I was told there was a chance I could gain entry, but we needed to go to another gate. As we walked, the lady and I continued talking, until she went of to compose herself, so emotional had she become. I remarked to the man, who went under the code name “Delta 2″, that even if I didn’t get into the match, my visit would have been worthwhile.

At the next gate, the police were called. A very nice police lady looked over my appearance and felt around the “testicle” and declared it inoffensive. Then  the  head cop arrived and the three of them went into a huddle. Delta 2 returned with the news that I was to be granted entry into the game! Hallelujah!!!

I bought a ticket and was allocated a seat in the upper tier new Durham stand. It was open to the elements and the temperature was a cool 12 degrees with a wind blowing 20mph on our backs.  Clouds scudded overhead, alternating warming sun, and icy drizzle blasts, as the sun disappeared behind a thicker cloud.

There can’t have been more than 40 people occupying the 1200 seat stand, but, I found myself with 2 direct neighbours, father and son. The father has incurable Hodgkins Lymphoma, and his dear wife has Asbestosis, so we entered a conversation that kept us talking all day.

Meantime, the cricket began and we were entertained by an excellent batting display by England.

So high were we  and so far from the action, that the action shots I took, illicitly, because unauthorised photography is forbidden, aren’t great.

At the drinks break after an hour, I took a walk. Something I repeated at each ensuing break, taking photos with obliging “Barmy Army” members in fancy dress. They were great fun and much to my surprise, one told me he’d had Testicular Cancer too.I spoke with so many people and attracted so much attention, on my tours, that I can’t help but think alot of awareness was created.

As the clouds loomed dark at about 4pm, it became obvious we were in for some play-stopping rain. Play was duly suspended for 45 minutes at about 4:30. It was then, during my walk round, that I spotted Matt Prior, the England wicketkeeper, signing kids autographs.  I asked him to sign my testicle for Cancer awareness and he happily obliged, declaring himself, “not very comfortable” holding my testicle.

Play began again and England quickly took advantage, with Jimmy Anderson, who together with Alaistair Cook and Stuart Broad posed almost nude for the Everyman Campaign last year, taking three wickets in an excellent spell of hostile fast bowling.

It began to rain again at about 6:15, so I decided it was time to call it a day. I was exhausted from all the walking, talking and generally looking rididculous for a day.

My next public appearance will be at the 20/20 warm up games at Lords on June 3rd. I hope they will be as accomodating as the wonderful staff and police at Durham CC were. My grateful thanks to them all for showing great humanity in “bending the rules”.

The “No Testicle Tour” has passed its first major test !

Please consideradonation to the Everyman Cancer Campaign at www.justgiving.com/nickohs

Thanks for reading!